February, 2185 - Collected News Abstracts on Aish Ashland

02/03/2185 – Aish Ashland Submits DNA to Hollywood Bank of Fame
“Aish Ashland, granddaughter of energy magnate Jonah Ashland, attended her hearing this morning for red sand possession. “I think I and a whole lot of people don’t even known [sic] why it’s illegal,” she said. “Biotics have stuff like this in their nervous systems twenty-four hours a day. Why is it legal for them?” Her supporters surrounded the courthouse hoping to get a glimpse of the socialite whose infamy hasn’t stood in the way of her e-book deal or other engagements, such as the event this evening in which Aish’s DNA will be donated to the Hollywood Bank of Fame.”

02/06/2185 – Hollywood Bank of Fame Rejects Aish Ashland’s DNA
“Socialite Aish Ashland has had her DNA rejected by the Hollywood Bank of Fame on the grounds that it does not match the sample attributed to her health ID card. Preliminary analysis indicates the DNA she submitted was that of a close female relative. Office watercoolers galaxy-wide are buzzing with the news. Las Vegas casinos have placed odds on the identity of the sample, covering all her known relatives. The most popular is her close cousin Lili at 2:1. Additionally, odds that this is a deliberate publicity stunt are currently placed at 1.5:1.”

02/13/2185 – Mystery DNA Submission Linked to Mina Ashland
“The verdict is in and the news is stunning. Aish Ashland attempted to switch her own DNA at the Hollywood Bank of Fame with those of her estranged fraternal twin Mina. The socialite said in interviews today that this was her way of apologizing to Mina for a lifetime of stealing her boyfriends and tormenting her. “My twin sister has always been the best of our family,” Aish said, “and I knew the world didn’t need more Aishes. It needed more Minas, so I substituted a cheek swab of hers instead of my own.” The odds placed on Mina at gambling casinos came in at 42:1, the highest of any of her female relatives. Mina Ashland could not be reached for comment.”

03/05/2185 – R&B Singer Lady Sweat Dies Aged 24
“R&B singer Lady Sweat has died at age 24 in a medical facility on Charon. The self-titled “hardest-working girl in show business” and “musical ambassador of Earth” was returning from Mannovai in a commercial cruiser when solar activity touched off a proton storm. Protons passed through the ship’s hull, incapacitating the crew with radiation poisoning by the time the cruiser reached the Charon relay. Authorities suspect that traces of alcohol, cocaine and maxx found in all of the passengers during postmortem analysis may have been a contributing factor in the passengers’ failure to seek shelter in the cruiser’s shielded compartment.”

03/06/2185 – Socialite Aish Ashland Under Fire After Lady Sweat Comments
“Socialite Aish Ashland is under fire tonight for her comments about the death of Leila Montrose, better known as Lady Sweat. “This just goes to show that you can’t do drugs and fly a spaceship at the same time,” she quipped. “You’ve got to be responsible about it. I know I always snort up somewhere safe, like a police station or courthouse”. Her probation officer was unavailable for comment.”

08/26/2185 – Aish Ashland Marries Singer Jenellen Lepp on Illium
“By the time we heard the bells, it was almost over: socialite Aish Ashland and singer Jenellen Lepp got married yesterday at midnight in a secret ceremony in Nos Astra. “Me and Jel only met three months ago,” Aish said, “but when he proposed I decided to get married right away so we could have a honeymoon during the conjunction on Illium. Our horoscopes there are totally charged! We’ll have a family wedding once Jel’s Red Sand Scratch clears up.” Ashland’s probation officer had only this to say of the nuptials: “She left the state. She’s in violation.”

09/03/2185 – Newlywed Aish Ashland Returns to Earth Newly-Divorced
“After a week-long honeymoon on Illium, Aish Ashland is returning home — as a free woman. Sources say that during the flight back to Earth, this newly-divorced newlywed discovered her ex-husband Jenellen Lepp in a delicate situation with another couple… and a bag of narcotics. A tearful Aish had this to say to the press: “I don’t know what he was thinking. He had no right to use up my stash, and I can’t live with someone who disrespects that. Also, you’ve got to have fidelity in a relationship, and I know about fidelity. I’ve had a music pod for 19 years.”

09/05/2185 – Jenellen Lepp Demands a Divorce Settlement From His Ex-Wife
“In a case many are calling “preposterous”, socialite Aish Ashland’s ex-husband Jenellen Lepp is demanding a divorce settlement from his former spouse. Legal experts say the singer has zero grounds for a settlement, if only because the marriage lasted less than a standard galactic week. Critics are calling the entire “now-they-are, now-they-aren’t” fiasco a publicity stunt timed for the release of Lepp’s album, “Depth of Field,” which debuts next month. Aish Ashland could not be reached for comment.”

12/18/2185 – Aish Ashland Selling Her Heart for Charity
“If you ever wanted a piece of the galaxy’s ditziest socialite, now’s your chance. Aish Ashland is selling her heart online. It’s not the one currently in her chest, but one of two spares she had grown from cloned tissue at a lab in the Earth town of Pacific Palisades. “Originally it was there in case something awful happened,” she said, “but after my recent marital difficulties, I’ve decided that it’s time for the world to know that my heart has moved on.” Bidding starts at 50 million credits for the organ, which doctors say is in excellent shape. All proceeds from the sale of the heart will go to Aish’s self-founded charity, the Aishwarya Ashland Center for Rehabilitation Medicine.”

12/19/2185 – Ailing Multimillionaire’s Daughter Places Winning Bid in Heart Auction
“It’s a dream come true for 64-year-old multimillionaire Rakesh Dutta, whose daughter Kanta made the winning bid for Aish Ashland’s cloned heart last night. “Appa’s a total celebrity addict, and he loves his present!” Kanta raved to FirehoseofFame.com minutes after the final bid closed at 115.6 million credits. “He knew I was searching for a donor, but he had no idea he was getting Aish’s heart.” Ashland herself said in press release, “I’m so glad I could help someone who’s obviously one of those suffering people. I think suffering is a terrible thing and we should all try to avoid it as part of the Christmas season.” Dutta will be flown from his native Sri Lanka to Los Angeles, where he will undergo surgery to replace his heart with the 24-year-old socialite’s spare. Dutta’s heart was failing after a bout with diabetic cardiomyopathy.”

February, 2185 - Collected News Abstracts on Aish Ashland

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